Sunday, July 8, 2007

The Perfect Oscar

The island-state of Tundra Compel has three major automobile companies. On any road, ninety nine out of hundred cars shall definitely belong to one of these. Let's have a look at the cars that you'll see on this country's roads:

The most common car is the Womotif Crosswind. Available in various models in each segment, it is the most popular choice of Tundra Compel's residents. You'll see it running on Shanty Town roads, standing in the millionaire's car park and waiting in front of shopping malls and restaurants. Turn your head in any direction, and you can bet that you won't miss it unless you're wearing those horsie-eyepatches. Created by entrepreneur Las Giblet, the car is as popular as it is controversial. One one hand, the car's engine and tyres are designed to tame any terrain. It'll run on sand, mud or tarmac without a glitch. However, on the other hand, it is criticized for things such as a painfully slow acceleration of zero to hundred kilometers per hour in about 2 minutes, and its frequent engine failures and its dangerously slow braking. The engine whines and the car becomes excruciatingly painful to drive if you fix fake or foreign parts. The slightest fake tyre can force the car to bring tears to your eyes. The most loathed feature of the car, however, is the designers' neglect of safety. The slightest speed-bump has been known to injure at least fifty percent and kill ten percent of the owners. Most people accept this as part of the package and move on. Others just can't take it.

The second major car- the Crosswind's main competitor- is The Cantos Six Ohm. Created by Dutchman Bejet Voss, it is known for its elegance, beauty and power. The expensive car is the preferred choice of the society's elite. It guarantees immediate bragging rights to the owner. An amazing six liter W12 engine, an acceleration of zero to hundred in six seconds and an output of 500 bhp, makes it a beauty on wheels. People feel special just by looking at it. Driving it is the dream of any person, be it a teenager or a sixty year old pot-bellied man. The noiseless engine guarantees a smooth ride at all times. It is called a second Volvo for its excellent safety features. Voss, the elitist, never tried to make it the people's car, though. The car is critisized for its inability to handle varied terrain. It fails on the simplest of roads and appears never to have seen sand or mud in its life. Still, people who own this car claim that they belong to an exclusive group(Crosswind owners claim that most Six Ohm owners are cross-dressers and bend the other way).

The third car was created by Lord Vialstuns, a socialist. He believed that excellent cars should be easily available to everybody at a very low cost. His followers admired his ideas and lent him a helping hand in developing the 51NuTen. Available at an amazing $ 1500, this car looks like an ox-cart upon purchase. People spend most of their lives modifying it to suit their needs. Although it can surpass the Crosswind and the Six Ohm in terms of acceleration (0-100 in 3 seconds), power (700 bhp), safety and stunning looks; there's a catch. All this can happen only if you travel thousands of miles to purchase separate tyres for separate terrain-types, separate engines for separate driving styles, separate looks for separate occasions, etc. People get irritated to death in an effort to get their cars running smoothly. Proponents of this idea say that it allows complete freedom to the owner: customizing according to free-will. No problems with foreign parts and components. No problems with terrain A,B,C...., no problems with driving it for nine thousand millennia, blah blah, bloody loud-mouthed blah. Opponents say that it is a waste of time and money if you go looking for new parts when you already have a solution like the Crosswind and the Six Ohm. Most 51NuTen owners are branded lunatics and show-offs when they try to butt in between the Crosswind - Six Ohm wars. The car owners are critisized for their lack of creativity because of their shameless attempts to copy every design and performance feature of the Crosswind and the Six Ohm. Many call it a wannabe Six Ohm and say that it will always look like a patched-up version of the big daddy and will never become a mainstream car. This truth of this statement is reflected in the fact that only .3% of the population owns this car.

Each car has its attractions and shortcomings. What most people really yearn for is a car that offers everything. The raw power of a 51NuTen. The handsome looks of a Six Ohm and the versatility of a Crosswind. A solution seems nowhere in sight, though. (51NuTen lunatics claim that their car is the solution. Mainstream owners tell them to eat a lot of goat-shit).

1 comment:

The Grand High Tuski said...

It is because of things like this that I admire A Traitors Humph so much. Fabulous!